October 08, 2002
Laugh for today

[Note: This has made the rounds for those who work with military aircraft. If you fall into this category, you have probably seen some of these before.]

One of a technician's little joys is the opportunity to sign off a discrepancy reported by the flight crew (especially the rather silly ones) with a witty response. Usually, the more pungent replies are sanitized before the paperwork gets filed, but occasionally a funny one slips through. Below are a few examples of the slightly skewed minds of the maintenance community (most of these are USAF, but there are a few USN samples for variety).

Problem: Left inside-main tire almost needs replacement.
Signoff: Almost replaced left inside-main tire.

Problem: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Signoff: Auto-land not installed in this aircraft.

Problem: Number 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
Signoff: Number 2 propeller seepage normal.
Problem 2: Numbers 1, 3, and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem: The autopilot doesn't.
Signoff: It does now.

Problem: Something loose inside cockpit.
Signoff: Something tightened inside cockpit.

Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Signoff: Evidence removed.

Problem: DME volume unbelievablyloud.
Signoff: Volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Signoff: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
Signoff: Cannot reproduce the problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Signoff: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Clock doesn't work.
Signoff: Wound clock.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Signoff: That's what they're there for.

Problem: Number 3 engine missing.
Signoff: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem: SDC makes sound like little green men with hammers banging on case.
Signoff: Took hammers away from little green men.

Problem: Speed brake indicator barber poles when aircraft porpoises.
Signoff: Could not duplicate gripe; test station would not porpoise.

Although they are likely apocryphal, I have heard persistent rumors of technicians signing off particularly stupid gripes with the corrective action of "removed and replaced pilot". A signoff such as that is very likely to result in punishment of some sort, because that crosses the line from humor to outright disrespect.

posted on October 08, 2002 05:52 PM


Excellent! Brought tears to my eyes.

posted by Quana on October 9, 2002 03:30 AM

I always got some easy amusement from figuring out ways to put odd error/repair codes into the computerized equipment inventory after working on a piece of gear. After a while, "Reseated cards, cleaned contacts" gets really dull.

I can't remember the code numbers (perhaps you could look them up for me?) but my favourite was to enter "Air In System" as the fault (since that would be true regardless of the actual problem for all but one piece of gear we fixed). Never got to use "Birdstrike", though the Lord and my First Class know I tried a few times.

posted by Dodd on October 9, 2002 09:46 PM

Aircraft whines on shutdown.

Whine ceased after removal of pilot.

posted by John S Allison on October 10, 2002 04:25 PM

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